Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
