we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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