sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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