I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
