I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
