he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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