so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
