you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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