At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
