Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Randomize
