I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
