anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize