I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize