I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
