I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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