you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
