he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
