dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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