She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
