i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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