worst night to have a conscience
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
