I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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