remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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