i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
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