6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize