Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
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