she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
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