Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Randomize
