I showed him my bush... on skype.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
