3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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