i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Randomize
