I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
