I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
