She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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