I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
