Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Randomize