What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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