It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
