alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
The power of my boobs compel you
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
