i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
