I cannot find my penis.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
