So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
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