please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
