just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
