She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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