I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Randomize