just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
