I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
