Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
