1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
