I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
