i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
