Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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