who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize