Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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