I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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