This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
