ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
