Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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