So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
