My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
So vagazzling was a success
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
