My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
