We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
