She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Help me help you realize you are a moron
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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