am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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