sarcasm needs its own font
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
