dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
