Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize