Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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